Dad Jokes: 420+ Best Dad Jokes of All Time

Most often, dad jokes are described as a corny joke and traditionally told by fathers intended to make his children or family laugh.

If you are someone who wants to make your family or friends lol with a simple joke, this ultimate collection of 420+ funniest dad jokes is for you!

SEE ALSO: Knock Knock Jokes: 370+ Best Knock-knock Jokes of All Time

Whether you are looking for terrible, cheesy, or maybe bad dad jokes, we have it all compiled for you. Enjoy! 🙂

Funniest Dad Jokes

  1. Son: Daddy, what is an alcoholic?
    Dad: Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.
    Son: Um, Dad… There are only 2 trees.
  2. When somebody asks my dad how he feels, he always replies, “With my hands.”
  3. Did you hear about the new movie constipation? It hasn’t come out yet.
  4. Me: Dad, can you call mom’s phone? She can’t find it.
    Dad: Absolutely! “Mom’s phone! Mom’s phone!”
  5. The phone rings…
    Dad: What does the caller ID say?
    Mom: Private Caller.
    Dad: Don’t answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
  6. Do you know how to make somebody curious? I’ll tell you tomorrow!
  7. Son: Am I adopted?
    Dad: Not yet, it seems nobody is interested!
  8. I’m such a great cook, even the smoke alarm siren gets all excited.
  9. Son: Is this insecticide good for mosquitos?
    Dad: Not at all, it kills them!
  10. Q: Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
    A: He met with too many cracks on the way.
  11. Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
    A: An investigator!
  12. Q: Why did the barber win the race?
    A: He knew a shortcut
  13. Q: How much did the pirate’s new earrings cost him?
    A: A buccaneer!
  14. Daughter: Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?
    Dad: You can’t, honey?
    Daughter: Really?
    Dad: You can only get a daughterburn.
  15. Q: Why can’t two elephants go swimming?
    A: Because they only have one pair of trunks.
  16. Q: How long does it take to make butter?
    A: An echurnity!
  17. My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy. What planet is she on?
  18. Q: What happens if a frog parks illegally?
    A: They get toad.
  19. Q: What do you call an old person with a really good hearing?
    A: Deaf defying!
  20. Q: What’s made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
    A: Trombones!
  21. Q: How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
    A: Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier!
  22. Q: Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
    A: No Ikea!
  23. I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped. Needless to say, I’m ex-static.
  24. My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. I Schwepped her of her feet.
  25. Q: How does Darth Vader like his toast?
    A: On the dark side!
  26. Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?
    A: Matt
  27. Dad woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t. I’ve cut off your arms!”
  28. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
  29. Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
    A: Nothing, it just waved.
  30. Q: Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
    A: The stock market.
  31. Q: What kind of shoes does a thief wear?
    A: Sneakers
  32. Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
    A: A waist of time.
  33. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
  34. If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!
  35. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
  36. Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
    A: You put a little boogie in it!
  37. Me: Can I watch the TV?
    Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
  38. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
  39. The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
  40. I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
  41. Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it.
  42. Q: How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
    A: They’re all girls, otherwise, they’d be uncles.
  43. I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
  44. Q: What did the mountain climber name his son?
    A: Cliff
  45. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
  46. Q: Why did the cookie cry?
    A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
  47. Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
  48. Son: I’ll call you later!
    Dad: Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!
  49. Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
    A: Subordinate clauses.
  50. Q: Why do bananas need sunscreen?
    A: Because they peel.
  51. Just quit my job at Starbucks because day after day it was the same old grind.
  52. My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.
  53. Q: Why does Peter pan always fly?
    A: Because he neverlands!
  54. My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
  55. Q: What does a house wear?
    A: A dress
  56. Son: Where are my sunglasses?
    Dad: I don’t know. Where are my dad glasses?
  57. If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?
  58. You shouldn’t kiss anyone on January 1st because it’s only the first date.
  59. I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
  60. Q: What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?
    A: Kilometry Cyrus
  61. Q: What concert costs only 45 cents?
    A: 50 Cent ft. Nickelback
  62. You heard the rumor going around about butter? Nevermind, I shouldn’t spread it.
  63. Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
    A: Because the P is silent
  64. So I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my apartment. Looking around, it seemed like they didn’t really take a whole lot. My TV was still there, my PS4, and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps… I was delighted.
  65. Q: What do you call a can of soup that eats other cans of soup?
    A: A CANnibal
  66. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something!
  67. When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
  68. I hate perforated lines, they’re tearable.
  69. If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
  70. RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
  71. Q: What kind of fish is made of only 2 sodium atoms?
    A: 2 Na
  72. Q: What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
    A: DeCALFeinated or A New Moother
  73. Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
  74. Q: What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
    A: Llamanated.
  75. I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
  76. Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
    A: Same middle name
  77. My seasickness comes in waves.
  78. Q: How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
    A: You will see one later and one in a while.
  79. Just read a few facts about frogs. They were ribbiting.
  80. I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.
  81. My computer sings, it’s ‘a Dell.’
  82. Q: What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
    A: A little horse
  83. Q: What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?
    A: Chicken Caesar Salad
  84. I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.
  85. I hate jokes about German sausage. They’re the wurst.
  86. Q: Why did the can-crusher quit his job?
    A: Because it was soda-pressing.
  87. Q: What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner?
    A: He went back four seconds.
  88. Q: What do you call it when Batman skips church?
    A: Christian Bale
  89. Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
    A: Dead ends!
  90. Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
    A: I want a wii-match!
  91. Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
    A: Don’t look now, but something between us smells.
  92. Q: Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves?
    A: A Panda
  93. Q: What’s red and moves up and down?
    A: A tomato in an elevator
  94. Q: What’s a foot long and slippery?
    A: A slipper
  95. Q: Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
    A: The don’t meet the koalafications
  96. Q: What do you get when you put your radio in the fridge?
    A: Cool Music
  97. Q: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
    A: Remorse code
  98. Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
    A: They take the psycho path
  99. Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue with his pizza?
    A: He ate it before it was cool!
  100. Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
    A: We make perfect cents!
  101. Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
    A: So he could have sweet dreams
  102. Q: What can you serve but never eat?
    A: A volleyball
  103. Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
    A: Bear-foot
  104. Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
    A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
  105. Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
    A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
  106. Q: How do snails fight?
    A: They slug it out!
  107. Q: Where do hamburgers go to dance?
    A: They go to the meat-ball
  108. Q: Why are penguins socially awkward?
    A: Because they can’t break the ice!
  109. Q: What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
    A: I don’t know and I don’t care!
  110. Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
    A: To raise some dough!
  111. Q: What would Bears be without Bees?
    A: Ears!
  112. Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
    A: Because he was on a roll!
  113. Q: What did the red light say to the green light?
    A: Don’t look, I’m changing!
  114. Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
    A: Pick a cod, any cod!
  115. Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying?
    A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam!
  116. Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
    A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
  117. Q: What’s the most musical part of a chicken?
    A: The drumstick!
  118. Q: What did the fashion police officer say to his sweater?
    A: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
  119. Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
    A: Wait at a buzz stop!
  120. Q: Where do cows hang their paintings?
    A: In the mooo-seum!
  121. Q: Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit?
    A: Because it was cultured!
  122. Q: How do you impress a baker when you’re taking his daughter on a date?
    A: Bring her flours!
  123. Q: What do you call the sound a dog makes when it’s choking on a piece of its owner’s jewelry?
    A: A diamond in the ruff
  124. Q: Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas?
    A: Clothes, but no cigar!
  125. Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally!
  126. Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
    A: Post Office!
  127. Q: What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
    A: A loose Canon!
  128. Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
    A: Because his friend said dinner is on me
  129. Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
    A: Reali-tea!
  130. Q: How does a squid go into battle?
    A: Well Armed
  131. Q: Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
    A: All of the fans left
  132. Q: Which U.S. State has the smallest soft drinks?
    A: Mini-soda
  133. Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
    A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
  134. Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
    A: The month of March!
  135. Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
    A: Look grandpa, no hands!
  136. Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer?
    A: The Space bar!
  137. Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
    A: Firecrackers!
  138. Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
    A: Microwaves
  139. Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
    A: a Vel-Crow
  140. Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
    A: “Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!”
  141. Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
    A: Swimming trunks!
  142. Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
    A: I think I’m coming down with something!
  143. Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
    A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
  144. Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
    A: At the BP station!
  145. Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
    A: A Chimp off the old block
  146. Q: What goes through towns, up and over hills, but doesn’t move?
    A: The road!
  147. Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
    A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
  148. Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
    A: The scientists were brainstorming!
  149. Q: What kind of dogs like car racing?
    A: Lap dogs
  150. Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
    A: Show me the honey!
  151. Q: Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
    A: He got 12 months
  152. Q: How do you shoot a killer bee?
    A: With a bee-bee gun!
  153. Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
    A: A taxi driver
  154. Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
    A: It barked with de-light!
  155. Q: Why did Roger go out with a prune?
    A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
  156. Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
    A: To a disc-o!
  157. Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
    A: Because it had a virus!
  158. Q: Why is England the wettest country?
    A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
  159. Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
    A: Because it was not peeling well!
  160. Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
    A: A Bed
  161. Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
    A: To get a tweetment!
  162. Q: What bow can’t be tied?
    A: A rainbow!
  163. Q: When does Friday come before Thursday?
    A: In the dictionary!
  164. Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
    A: To get to the second hand shop.
  165. Q: How do hens cheer for their team?
    A: They egg them on!
  166. Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
    A: He wanted cold hard cash!
  167. Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
    A: Sunday, of course!
  168. Q: What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold a yoga pose?
    A: Yoga pants!
  169. Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
    A: Odor in the court!
  170. Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
    A: B
  171. Q: Why was the student’s report card wet?
    A: It was below C level!
  172. Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
    A: A nervous wreck!
  173. Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
    A: In snow banks!
  174. Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
    A: A soccer match!
  175. Q: How do you find a Princess?
    A: You follow the foot Prince!
  176. Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
    A: Lawsuits!
  177. Q: Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
    A: Because people are dying to get in!
  178. Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
    A: You look flushed!
  179. Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
    A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
  180. Q: Why did Billy throw the clock out of the window?
    A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
  181. Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
    A: Because he felt crummy!
  182. Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
    A: You’re under a vest!
  183. I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it’s over between us. I’m Ruthless
  184. Q: What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
    A: Unstable
  185. I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack. You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
  186. Q: What type of magazines do cows read?
    A: Cattlelogs
  187. A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you’ve walked. Clever clogs.
  188. Q: What do you call an explosive horse?
    A: Neigh-palm
  189. My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
    I couldn’t find the words to thank her.
  190. Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
    A: An abdominal snowman!
  191. My son must have been relieved to have finally been born. He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
  192. Q: What do you call a cake baked by a hooker?
    A: Hoe-made
  193. After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table. I needed a run up, but I made it.
  194. Q: Where do you learn to make ice cream?
    A: At sundae school!
  195. Q: When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
    A: When it’s stood in the doorway of the barn
  196. I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.
  197. No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
  198. Q: What are bald sea captains most worried about?
    A: Cap sizes!
  199. There’s been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris. There’s nothing left but de Brie.
  200. A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
  201. Q: Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
    A: Because it was well armed.
  202. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
  203. I needed a password eight characters long. So I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
  204. I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge.
  205. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
  206. Q: Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?
    A: Because it was a cheetah!
  207. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  208. Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
    A: Where’s popcorn?
  209. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
    A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
  210. Q: What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
    A: About 5000 miles
  211. Q: Why are skeletons so calm?
    A: Because nothing gets under their skin.
  212. Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?
    A: Nice belt.
  213. I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now I’m feeling a little… Eel
  214. Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
    A: A cloud!
  215. A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain.”
  216. Me: Dad, can you put my shoes on?
    Dad: No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
  217. Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
  218. Hold on, I have something in my shoe. I’m pretty sure it’s a foot.
  219. Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
    A: An Impasta.
  220. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
  221. Q: Why did the coffee file a police report?
    A: It got mugged.
  222. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
  223. Q: What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
    A: He let out a little wine.
  224. Q: What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
    A: Roberto!
  225. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
  226. Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
    A: Ten-tickles!
  227. Q: Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
    A: He couldn’t see himself doing it.
  228. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
  229. Q: Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
    A: She had bad blood.
  230. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
  231. Q: What did the horse say after it tripped?
    A: “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
  232. Q: What do you call a masturbating cow?
    A: Beef Stroganoff.
  233. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
  234. Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
    A: Cell phones.
  235. Kid: Dad, make me a sandwich!
    Dad: Poof, you’re a sandwich!
  236. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  237. When a dad drives past a cow pasture… LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
  238. When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: “They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”
  239. Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
  240. Server: Sorry about your wait.
    Dad: Are you saying I’m fat?
  241. Q: What does an angry pepper do?
    A: It gets jalapeño your face.
  242. Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
    A: Because the pee is silent.
  243. Q: What do you call a lonely cheese?
    A: Provolone.
  244. Can February March? No, but April May!
  245. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  246. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    A: No idea!
  247. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    A: Frostbite.
  248. I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
  249. Q: You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
    A: A trumpet.
  250. Q: Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop?
    A: Forever 21.

SEE ALSO: Kissing Pick Up Lines: 65+ Best Lines To Get A Free Kiss Today

Corny Dad Jokes

  1. Q: Why did the crab never share?
    A: Because he’s shellfish.
  2. You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.
  3. Q: What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
    A: Nobody nose.
  4. Q: Why wasn’t the woman happy with the velcro she bought?
    A: It was a total ripoff.
  5. Q: What do you call a fish with two knees?
    A: A “two-knee” fish.
  6. Nurse: Blood type?
    Dad: Red.
  7. Waitress: Soup or salad?
    Dad: I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.
  8. Q: What do you call a dog that can do magic?
    A: A Labracadabrador.
  9. Q: Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself?
    A: It was two tired.
  10. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
  11. Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
    A: Bison.
  12. I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why (y).
  13. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
    A: Elephino!
  14. Q: What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
    A: A ba-na-na-na!
  15. Mom: How do I look?
    Dad: With your eyes.
  16. Grocery store checker: Paper or plastic?
    Dad: Either, I’m bisacktual.
  17. I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
  18. Fast food worker: Any condiments?
    Dad: Compliments? You look very nice today!
  19. Q: How do you make holy water?
    A: You boil the hell out of it.
  20. When you ask a dad if he’s alright…
    No, I’m half left.
  21. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
  22. A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
  23. Q: How do you make a Kleenex dance?
    A: Put a little boogie in it!
  24. Q: What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
    A: A satisfactory!
  25. Q: Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
    A: Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
  26. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
  27. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
  28. Cashier: Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?
    Dad: No, just leave it in the carton!
  29. Q: What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
    A: Nina!
  30. The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world. There’s absolutely no point to it.
  31. Q: What kind of tea you drink with the queen?
    A: Royal tea!
  32. I tried drag racing the other day. It’s murder trying to run in heels.
  33. My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter. But I’m on a roll now.
  34. I’m like the fabric version of King Midas. Everything I touch becomes felt.
  35. Most comedians are good, trustworthy people. Yep, they’re a bunch of stand-up guys.
  36. Son: Dad, I’m done!
    Dad: Hi Done, I’m Dad.
  37. Daughter: What is it?
    Dad: “It” is a pronoun.

SEE ALSO: Tagalog Quotes: 300+ Best Quotes and Sayings about Life

Bad Dad Jokes

  1. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  2. Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
    A: Nacho Cheese!
  3. Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
    A: Irrelephant!
  4. Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
    A: Because they have no body to go with.
  5. Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
    A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
  6. Q: What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?
    A: Carlos!
  7. Son: Dad, I’m hungry.
    Dad: “Hi hungry”, I’m Dad.
  8. Q: How does a penguin build its house?
    A: Igloos it together!
  9. Q: How many apples grow on a tree?
    A: All of them!
  10. Q: Why does Superman gets invited to dinners?
    A: Because he is a Supperhero.
  11. Q: What kind of magic do cows believe in?
    A: MOODOO.
  12. Q: Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
    A: Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
  13. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
  14. Q: Where does batman go to the bathroom?
    A: The batroom!
  15. Q: Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
    A: Because then they’d be bay-gulls!
  16. Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
    A: To go with the traffic jam.
  17. Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery!
  18. What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
  19. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
  20. A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
  21. Q: What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
    A: An Orca-stra.
  22. Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
    A: An instagram!
  23. Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
    A: You spend too much time on the web.

SEE ALSO: Pick Up Lines: 870+ Best English Pick Up Lines (with Pictures)

Terrible Dad Jokes

  1. Without geometry life is pointless.
  2. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
  3. How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, “Ribbit, ribbit” and a horny toad says, “Rub it, rub it.”
  4. I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
  5. My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
  6. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
  7. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
  8. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
  9. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
  10. When a dad drives past a graveyard…
    Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
  11. Q: Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
    A: Because he was a little horse!
  12. Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
    A: 1forrest1
  13. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
  14. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
  15. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
  16. I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
  17. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable.
  18. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
  19. You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.
  20. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
  21. People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
  22. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
  23. Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
  24. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
  25. Q: What time did the man go to the dentist?
    A: Tooth hurt-y.
  26. I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
  27. Q: What’s brown and sticky?
    A: A stick!
  28. I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts
  29. The rotation of earth really makes my day.
  30. To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
  31. I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
  32. Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
    A: A four-chin teller!

Yo Daddy Jokes

  1. Yo Daddy so stupid he put a piece of paper on the tv so he can watch paperview.
  2. Yo Daddy so poor that he had to pay a $2 morgage on his cardboard box.
  3. Yo Daddy so fat, when he bought tickets for the titanic, he survived because he couldn’t fit on the ship!
  4. Yo Daddy so fat when I pulled up to the border patrol in Mexico they said I had to go to the truck weigh-in station.
  5. Yo Daddy so gay he farts rainbows and looks like a pink pop tart.
  6. Yo Daddy so fat he spends a lot of time in the kitchen… not cooking.
  7. Yo Daddy so skinny when we play hide and go seek he can hide behind a twig.
  8. Yo Daddy is so stupid, it took him a few hours to watch 60 minutes.
  9. Yo Daddy so wrinkly that when he fell in a raisin factory, the workers said “Look we dropped a raisin.
  10. Yo Daddy is so fat that yo mom said why you pregnant.
  11. Yo Daddy so fat and ugly that he got ready to sit on the chair and the chair almost fainted.
  12. Yo Daddy so old he left his wallet on Noahs Ark.
  13. Yo Daddy so fat he got baptized at sea world.
  14. Yo Daddy is so square, that Spongebob Squarepants jealous.
  15. Yo Daddy so ugly that when he went into the store people asked him is he an animal or a person.
  16. Yo Daddy is like cement he takes 2 days 2 get hard.
  17. Yo Daddy so old I asked him about his car and he said he has the stone wheel.
  18. Yo Daddy so big he walked up to a chair and the chair moved itself.
  19. Yo Daddy so black. Yo momma decided to use her as charcoal for the fire.
  20. Yo Daddy and momma so black that your family pictures look like ultrasounds.
  21. Yo Daddy is so stupid that when he saw the “Under 17 not admitted” sign at a movie theatre, he went home and got 16 friends.
  22. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he sold her car for gas money!
  23. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he tripped over a cordless phone.
  24. Yo Daddy is so stupid he put his face in a book and called it “Facebook”.
  25. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he told everyone that he was “illegitimate” because he couldn’t read.
  26. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
  27. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he thought Grape Nuts was an STD.
  28. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!
  29. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he spent twenty minutes lookin’ at an orange juice box because it said “concentrate”.
  30. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
  31. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
  32. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit.
  33. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
  34. Yo Daddy is so stupid that I saw him jumping up and down, asked what he was doing, and he said he drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.
  35. Yo Daddy is so stupid that when he pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald’s, he drove through the window.
  36. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he got locked out of a convertible car with the top down.
  37. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he sat in a treehouse because he wanted to be a branch manager.
  38. Yo Daddy is so stupid that when the computer said “Press any key to continue”, he couldn’t find the “Any” key.
  39. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window.
  40. Yo Daddy is so stupid that he thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale.
  41. Yo Daddy so ugly, the goldfish crackers don’t smile back!
  42. Yo Daddy so fat that when he sat down on the couch next to yo Mama, no-one ever saw it or yo Mama again!
  43. Yo Daddy so short that when he smokes weed, he can’t get high!
  44. Yo Daddy so ugly he gives Freddy Krueger nightmares!
  45. Yo Daddy so short he made Kevin Hart look tall!
  46. Yo Daddy so ugly, when he uploaded his picture to Facebook, he broke it!
  47. Yo Daddy so black he gets lost in the dark.
  48. Yo Daddy so stupid, when he heard he was going to have a baby, he started pushing!
  49. Yo Daddy so fat that when we went in line for the Arizona Diamondbacks, I told him, “We have to wait one hour.” But when we went in line, we were already to the front.
  50. Yo Daddy so poor he found five cents on the ground and said, “Oh, it’s my paycheck!”
  51. Yo Daddy so stupid he put two quarters in his ear and thought he was listening to the rapper 50 cent!
  52. Yo Daddy so fat he went to court and the judge said, “Order in the court” and he said, “Can I get a double cheeseburger, extra-large fries, and matter fact the whole menu!”
  53. Yo Daddy so stupid he got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.
  54. Yo Daddy so fat when he farted the president blamed him for global warming.
  55. Yo Daddy so stupid, he locked himself in the bathroom and peed himself!
  56. Yo Daddy so stupid, he ordered a cheeseburger without cheese!
  57. Yo Daddy so ugly that Sonic runs fast because of him!
  58. Yo Daddy so dumb, he went to the Bulls game and said which one am I riding.
  59. Yo Daddy so dumb when he jumps the fence the gate was open.
  60. Yo Daddy so stupid he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
  61. Yo Daddy so stupid he looked in the mirror and said someone’s in the house.
  62. Yo Daddy so fat Alaska said, “I thought we were the biggest state.”
  63. Yo Daddy so fat when he walks china has an earthquake.
  64. Yo Daddy so short, he’s always being mistaken for a midget!
  65. Yo Daddy so old that when he sneezes he sneezes dust.
  66. Yo Daddy so ugly, when he looked out the window the cops arrested him.
  67. Yo Daddy so bald, when I rub his head I can see the future.
  68. Yo Daddy so hairy, small children think he’s a beast.
  69. Yo Daddy so dumb he ran into a parked car.
  70. Yo Daddy so fat he walked outside with a yellow jacket on and everyone yelled “Taxi!”
  71. Yo Daddy so bald that I used his head as a mirror.
  72. Yo Daddy so got damn dumb when somebody told him that it was chilly outside he came out with a bowl.
  73. Yo Daddy so bald, that he took a shower and got brain-washed.
  74. Yo Daddy so fat he put a blanket over the ocean and called it his water bed.
  75. Yo Daddy so stupid he tried to throw a rock at the ground and he missed.
  76. Yo Daddy so skinny he can hula-hoop through a cheerio!
  77. Yo Daddy so bald, you can see what’s on his mind.
  78. Yo Daddy so fat his belly button’s got an echo!
  79. Yo Daddy so fat, when he goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps!
  80. Yo Daddy so ugly its illegal for him to trick or treat.

SEE ALSO: Pick Up Lines for Nurses: 60+ Funny & Working Nurse Pick Up Lines

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