Most often, dad jokes are described as a corny joke and traditionally told by fathers intended to make his children or family laugh.
If you are someone who wants to make your family or friends lol with a simple joke, this ultimate collection of 420+ funniest dad jokes is for you
SEE ALSO: Knock Knock Jokes: 370+ Best Knock-knock Jokes of All Time
Funniest Dad Jokes
- Son: Daddy, what is an alcoholic?
Dad: Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.
Son: Um, Dad… There are only 2 trees.
- When somebody asks my dad how he feels, he always replies, “With my hands.”
- Did you hear about the new movie constipation? It hasn’t come out yet.
- Me: Dad, can you call mom’s phone? She can’t find it.
Dad: Absolutely! “Mom’s phone! Mom’s phone!”
- The phone rings…
Dad: What does the caller ID say?
Mom: Private Caller.
Dad: Don’t answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
- Do you know how to make somebody curious? I’ll tell you tomorrow!
- Son: Am I adopted?
Dad: Not yet, it seems nobody is interested!
- I’m such a great cook, even the smoke alarm siren gets all excited.
- Son: Is this insecticide good for mosquitos?
Dad: Not at all, it kills them!
- Q: Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
A: He met with too many cracks on the way.
- Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An investigator!
- Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: He knew a shortcut
- Q: How much did the pirate’s new earrings cost him?
A: A buccaneer!
- Daughter: Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?
Dad: You can’t, honey?
Dad: You can only get a daughterburn.
- Q: Why can’t two elephants go swimming?
A: Because they only have one pair of trunks.
- Q: How long does it take to make butter?
A: An echurnity!
- My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy. What planet is she on?
- Q: What happens if a frog parks illegally?
A: They get toad.
- Q: What do you call an old person with a really good hearing?
A: Deaf defying!
- Q: What’s made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
- Q: How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
A: Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier!
- Q: Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
A: No Ikea!
- I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped. Needless to say, I’m ex-static.
- My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. I Schwepped her of her feet.
- Q: How does Darth Vader like his toast?
A: On the dark side!
- Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?
- Dad woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t. I’ve cut off your arms!”
- I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
- Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved.
- Q: Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
A: The stock market.
- Q: What kind of shoes does a thief wear?
- Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
- If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!
- I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
- Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it!
- Me: Can I watch the TV?
Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
- I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
- The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
- I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
- Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it.
- Q: How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
A: They’re all girls, otherwise, they’d be uncles.
- I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
- Q: What did the mountain climber name his son?
- This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
- Q: Why did the cookie cry?
A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
- Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
- Son: I’ll call you later!
Dad: Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!
- Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.
- Q: Why do bananas need sunscreen?
A: Because they peel.
- Just quit my job at Starbucks because day after day it was the same old grind.
- My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.
- Q: Why does Peter pan always fly?
A: Because he neverlands!
- My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
- Q: What does a house wear?
A: A dress
- Son: Where are my sunglasses?
Dad: I don’t know. Where are my dad glasses?
- If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?
- You shouldn’t kiss anyone on January 1st because it’s only the first date.
- I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
- Q: What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?
A: Kilometry Cyrus
- Q: What concert costs only 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent ft. Nickelback
- You heard the rumor going around about butter? Nevermind, I shouldn’t spread it.
- Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
A: Because the P is silent
- So I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my apartment. Looking around, it seemed like they didn’t really take a whole lot. My TV was still there, my PS4, and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps… I was delighted.
- Q: What do you call a can of soup that eats other cans of soup?
A: A CANnibal
- I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something!
- When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
- I hate perforated lines, they’re tearable.
- If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
- RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
- Q: What kind of fish is made of only 2 sodium atoms?
A: 2 Na
- Q: What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
A: DeCALFeinated or A New Moother
- Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
- Q: What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
- I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
- Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name
- My seasickness comes in waves.
- Q: How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
A: You will see one later and one in a while.
- Just read a few facts about frogs. They were ribbiting.
- I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.
- My computer sings, it’s ‘a Dell.’
- Q: What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A: A little horse
- Q: What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?
A: Chicken Caesar Salad
- I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.
- I hate jokes about German sausage. They’re the wurst.
- Q: Why did the can-crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda-pressing.
- Q: What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner?
A: He went back four seconds.
- Q: What do you call it when Batman skips church?
A: Christian Bale
- Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
- Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: I want a wii-match!
- Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Don’t look now, but something between us smells.
- Q: Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves?
A: A Panda
- Q: What’s red and moves up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator
- Q: What’s a foot long and slippery?
A: A slipper
- Q: Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
A: The don’t meet the koalafications
- Q: What do you get when you put your radio in the fridge?
A: Cool Music
- Q: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A: Remorse code
- Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path
- Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue with his pizza?
A: He ate it before it was cool!
- Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents!
- Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams
- Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball
- Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
- Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
- Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
- Q: How do snails fight?
A: They slug it out!
- Q: Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A: They go to the meat-ball
- Q: Why are penguins socially awkward?
A: Because they can’t break the ice!
- Q: What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don’t know and I don’t care!
- Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
A: To raise some dough!
- Q: What would Bears be without Bees?
- Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: Because he was on a roll!
- Q: What did the red light say to the green light?
A: Don’t look, I’m changing!
- Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod!
- Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam!
- Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
- Q: What’s the most musical part of a chicken?
A: The drumstick!
- Q: What did the fashion police officer say to his sweater?
A: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
- Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
A: Wait at a buzz stop!
- Q: Where do cows hang their paintings?
A: In the mooo-seum!
- Q: Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit?
A: Because it was cultured!
- Q: How do you impress a baker when you’re taking his daughter on a date?
A: Bring her flours!
- Q: What do you call the sound a dog makes when it’s choking on a piece of its owner’s jewelry?
A: A diamond in the ruff
- Q: Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas?
A: Clothes, but no cigar!
- Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally!
- Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
- Q: What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
A: A loose Canon!
- Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me
- Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
- Q: How does a squid go into battle?
A: Well Armed
- Q: Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
A: All of the fans left
- Q: Which U.S. State has the smallest soft drinks?
- Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
- Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
- Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
- Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
- Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
- Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
- Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow
- Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: “Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!”
- Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks!
- Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I’m coming down with something!
- Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
- Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
- Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block
- Q: What goes through towns, up and over hills, but doesn’t move?
A: The road!
- Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
- Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
- Q: What kind of dogs like car racing?
A: Lap dogs
- Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
- Q: Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
A: He got 12 months
- Q: How do you shoot a killer bee?
A: With a bee-bee gun!
- Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver
- Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
- Q: Why did Roger go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
- Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o!
- Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
- Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
- Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well!
- Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
- Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment!
- Q: What bow can’t be tied?
A: A rainbow!
- Q: When does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary!
- Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
- Q: How do hens cheer for their team?
A: They egg them on!
- Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
- Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
- Q: What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold a yoga pose?
A: Yoga pants!
- Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court!
- Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
- Q: Why was the student’s report card wet?
A: It was below C level!
- Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck!
- Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks!
- Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match!
- Q: How do you find a Princess?
A: You follow the foot Prince!
- Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
- Q: Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in!
- Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed!
- Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
- Q: Why did Billy throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
- Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy!
- Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You’re under a vest!
- I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it’s over between us. I’m Ruthless
- Q: What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
- I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack. You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
- Q: What type of magazines do cows read?
- A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you’ve walked. Clever clogs.
- Q: What do you call an explosive horse?
- My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn’t find the words to thank her.
- Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
A: An abdominal snowman!
- My son must have been relieved to have finally been born. He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
- Q: What do you call a cake baked by a hooker?
- After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table. I needed a run up, but I made it.
- Q: Where do you learn to make ice cream?
A: At sundae school!
- Q: When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
A: When it’s stood in the doorway of the barn
- I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.
- No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
- Q: What are bald sea captains most worried about?
A: Cap sizes!
- There’s been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris. There’s nothing left but de Brie.
- A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
- Q: Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
A: Because it was well armed.
- I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
- I needed a password eight characters long. So I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
- I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge.
- There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
- Q: Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?
A: Because it was a cheetah!
- I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
- Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where’s popcorn?
- Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
- Q: What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
A: About 5000 miles
- Q: Why are skeletons so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.
- Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?
A: Nice belt.
- I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now I’m feeling a little… Eel
- Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud!
- A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain.”
- Me: Dad, can you put my shoes on?
Dad: No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
- Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
- Hold on, I have something in my shoe. I’m pretty sure it’s a foot.
- Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
- Q: Why did the coffee file a police report?
A: It got mugged.
- Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
- Q: What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
A: He let out a little wine.
- Q: What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
- Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
- Q: Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
A: He couldn’t see himself doing it.
- A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
- Q: Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
A: She had bad blood.
- A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
- Q: What did the horse say after it tripped?
A: “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
- Q: What do you call a masturbating cow?
A: Beef Stroganoff.
- What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
- Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
- Kid: Dad, make me a sandwich!
Dad: Poof, you’re a sandwich!
- What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
- When a dad drives past a cow pasture… LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
- When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: “They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”
- Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
- Server: Sorry about your wait.
Dad: Are you saying I’m fat?
- Q: What does an angry pepper do?
A: It gets jalapeño your face.
- Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
A: Because the pee is silent.
- Q: What do you call a lonely cheese?
- Can February March? No, but April May!
- The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea!
- Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
- Q: You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
A: A trumpet.
- Q: Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop?
A: Forever 21.
SEE ALSO: Kissing Pick Up Lines: 65+ Best Lines To Get A Free Kiss Today
Corny Dad Jokes
- Q: Why did the crab never share?
A: Because he’s shellfish.
- You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.
- Q: What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
A: Nobody nose.
- Q: Why wasn’t the woman happy with the velcro she bought?
A: It was a total ripoff.
- Q: What do you call a fish with two knees?
A: A “two-knee” fish.
- Nurse: Blood type?
- Waitress: Soup or salad?
Dad: I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.
- Q: What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A: A Labracadabrador.
- Q: Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself?
A: It was two tired.
- Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
- Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
- I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why (y).
- Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
- Q: What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A: A ba-na-na-na!
- Mom: How do I look?
Dad: With your eyes.
- Grocery store checker: Paper or plastic?
Dad: Either, I’m bisacktual.
- I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
- Fast food worker: Any condiments?
Dad: Compliments? You look very nice today!
- Q: How do you make holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it.
- When you ask a dad if he’s alright…
No, I’m half left.
- Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
- A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
- Q: How do you make a Kleenex dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it!
- Q: What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A: A satisfactory!
- Q: Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
A: Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
- Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
- Cashier: Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?
Dad: No, just leave it in the carton!
- Q: What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
- The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world. There’s absolutely no point to it.
- Q: What kind of tea you drink with the queen?
A: Royal tea!
- I tried drag racing the other day. It’s murder trying to run in heels.
- My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter. But I’m on a roll now.
- I’m like the fabric version of King Midas. Everything I touch becomes felt.
- Most comedians are good, trustworthy people. Yep, they’re a bunch of stand-up guys.
- Son: Dad, I’m done!
Dad: Hi Done, I’m Dad.
- Daughter: What is it?
Dad: “It” is a pronoun.
SEE ALSO: Tagalog Quotes: 300+ Best Quotes and Sayings about Life
Bad Dad Jokes
- The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
- Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho Cheese!
- Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
- Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no body to go with.
- Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
- Q: What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?
- Son: Dad, I’m hungry.
Dad: “Hi hungry”, I’m Dad.
- Q: How does a penguin build its house?
A: Igloos it together!
- Q: How many apples grow on a tree?
A: All of them!
- Q: Why does Superman gets invited to dinners?
A: Because he is a Supperhero.
- Q: What kind of magic do cows believe in?
- Q: Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
A: Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
- I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
- Q: Where does batman go to the bathroom?
A: The batroom!
- Q: Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
A: Because then they’d be bay-gulls!
- Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam.
- Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery!
- What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
- I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
- A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
- Q: What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
A: An Orca-stra.
- Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An instagram!
- Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
A: You spend too much time on the web.
SEE ALSO: Pick Up Lines: 870+ Best English Pick Up Lines (with Pictures)
Terrible Dad Jokes
- Without geometry life is pointless.
- Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
- How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, “Ribbit, ribbit” and a horny toad says, “Rub it, rub it.”
- I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
- My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
- 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
- Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
- Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
- I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
- When a dad drives past a graveyard…
Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
- Q: Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
A: Because he was a little horse!
- Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
- A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
- Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
- If you see a robbery at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
- I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
- Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable.
- Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
- You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
- People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
- I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
- Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
- I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
- Q: What time did the man go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurt-y.
- I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
- Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
- I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts
- The rotation of earth really makes my day.
- To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
- I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
- Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four-chin teller!
Yo Daddy Jokes
- Yo Daddy so stupid he put a piece of paper on the tv so he can watch paperview.
- Yo Daddy so poor that he had to pay a $2 morgage on his cardboard box.
- Yo Daddy so fat, when he bought tickets for the titanic, he survived because he couldn’t fit on the ship!
- Yo Daddy so fat when I pulled up to the border patrol in Mexico they said I had to go to the truck weigh-in station.
- Yo Daddy so gay he farts rainbows and looks like a pink pop tart.
- Yo Daddy so fat he spends a lot of time in the kitchen… not cooking.
- Yo Daddy so skinny when we play hide and go seek he can hide behind a twig.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid, it took him a few hours to watch 60 minutes.
- Yo Daddy so wrinkly that when he fell in a raisin factory, the workers said “Look we dropped a raisin.
- Yo Daddy is so fat that yo mom said why you pregnant.
- Yo Daddy so fat and ugly that he got ready to sit on the chair and the chair almost fainted.
- Yo Daddy so old he left his wallet on Noahs Ark.
- Yo Daddy so fat he got baptized at sea world.
- Yo Daddy is so square, that Spongebob Squarepants jealous.
- Yo Daddy so ugly that when he went into the store people asked him is he an animal or a person.
- Yo Daddy is like cement he takes 2 days 2 get hard.
- Yo Daddy so old I asked him about his car and he said he has the stone wheel.
- Yo Daddy so big he walked up to a chair and the chair moved itself.
- Yo Daddy so black. Yo momma decided to use her as charcoal for the fire.
- Yo Daddy and momma so black that your family pictures look like ultrasounds.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that when he saw the “Under 17 not admitted” sign at a movie theatre, he went home and got 16 friends.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he sold her car for gas money!
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he tripped over a cordless phone.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid he put his face in a book and called it “Facebook”.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he told everyone that he was “illegitimate” because he couldn’t read.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he thought Grape Nuts was an STD.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he spent twenty minutes lookin’ at an orange juice box because it said “concentrate”.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that I saw him jumping up and down, asked what he was doing, and he said he drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that when he pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald’s, he drove through the window.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he got locked out of a convertible car with the top down.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he sat in a treehouse because he wanted to be a branch manager.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that when the computer said “Press any key to continue”, he couldn’t find the “Any” key.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window.
- Yo Daddy is so stupid that he thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale.
- Yo Daddy so ugly, the goldfish crackers don’t smile back!
- Yo Daddy so fat that when he sat down on the couch next to yo Mama, no-one ever saw it or yo Mama again!
- Yo Daddy so short that when he smokes weed, he can’t get high!
- Yo Daddy so ugly he gives Freddy Krueger nightmares!
- Yo Daddy so short he made Kevin Hart look tall!
- Yo Daddy so ugly, when he uploaded his picture to Facebook, he broke it!
- Yo Daddy so black he gets lost in the dark.
- Yo Daddy so stupid, when he heard he was going to have a baby, he started pushing!
- Yo Daddy so fat that when we went in line for the Arizona Diamondbacks, I told him, “We have to wait one hour.” But when we went in line, we were already to the front.
- Yo Daddy so poor he found five cents on the ground and said, “Oh, it’s my paycheck!”
- Yo Daddy so stupid he put two quarters in his ear and thought he was listening to the rapper 50 cent!
- Yo Daddy so fat he went to court and the judge said, “Order in the court” and he said, “Can I get a double cheeseburger, extra-large fries, and matter fact the whole menu!”
- Yo Daddy so stupid he got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.
- Yo Daddy so fat when he farted the president blamed him for global warming.
- Yo Daddy so stupid, he locked himself in the bathroom and peed himself!
- Yo Daddy so stupid, he ordered a cheeseburger without cheese!
- Yo Daddy so ugly that Sonic runs fast because of him!
- Yo Daddy so dumb, he went to the Bulls game and said which one am I riding.
- Yo Daddy so dumb when he jumps the fence the gate was open.
- Yo Daddy so stupid he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
- Yo Daddy so stupid he looked in the mirror and said someone’s in the house.
- Yo Daddy so fat Alaska said, “I thought we were the biggest state.”
- Yo Daddy so fat when he walks china has an earthquake.
- Yo Daddy so short, he’s always being mistaken for a midget!
- Yo Daddy so old that when he sneezes he sneezes dust.
- Yo Daddy so ugly, when he looked out the window the cops arrested him.
- Yo Daddy so bald, when I rub his head I can see the future.
- Yo Daddy so hairy, small children think he’s a beast.
- Yo Daddy so dumb he ran into a parked car.
- Yo Daddy so fat he walked outside with a yellow jacket on and everyone yelled “Taxi!”
- Yo Daddy so bald that I used his head as a mirror.
- Yo Daddy so got damn dumb when somebody told him that it was chilly outside he came out with a bowl.
- Yo Daddy so bald, that he took a shower and got brain-washed.
- Yo Daddy so fat he put a blanket over the ocean and called it his water bed.
- Yo Daddy so stupid he tried to throw a rock at the ground and he missed.
- Yo Daddy so skinny he can hula-hoop through a cheerio!
- Yo Daddy so bald, you can see what’s on his mind.
- Yo Daddy so fat his belly button’s got an echo!
- Yo Daddy so fat, when he goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps!
- Yo Daddy so ugly its illegal for him to trick or treat.
SEE ALSO: Pick Up Lines for Nurses: 60+ Funny & Working Nurse Pick Up Lines